Holding Space for Others

Lately I’ve heard from more people than ever before about how their daily life is filled with stress or drama.

Grief enters everyone’s life. Whether it is illness, the unexpected passing of a loved one or ongoing tragedies that have marked national and international news; bad things happen. It is inevitable but as people we can be of assistance to others. We often on the front line of trauma unexpectedly.

As a leader, one is often called upon help people in times of distress sometimes by that person or those around them. It may be something traumatic happening to them personally, their family or loved ones or trauma in their community.

Being there for others is what makes us human and connects us as the larger family of mankind. The need for individuals who are mindful of service to others is more urgent than ever in this increasingly complex world we find ourselves living in. This article is perspective, a call to action but not training. It may motivate you to grow and find such training for yourself.

When individuals are called upon to help someone in times of stress, it’s often referred to as “holding space.” You are somewhere between a witness and a counselor. Your more difficult personal role is to journey with them without interference, judgment or control. You may also find yourself holding space for someone while they hold space for another. It is a sacred and selfless service to others. You are there for them when they are vulnerable and may need to be weak.

No matter who you are or what you’ve accomplished, someday someone will be there to hold space for you. Religious and spiritual leaders are often on the front line of emotional trauma as well. It’s not required that you be a priest to hold space but it is often who the community looks to in emotional times. Knowing these people in your community, regardless of faith choices, is well worth your time.

What does it mean to hold space in practical terms? While someone is going through a deep emotional trauma and perhaps life altering experience, your role is less about what you can do for them and more of what you can help them do for themselves.

I offer you a personal perspective. “Teach. Guide. Witness. Do not intervene”

Some thoughts on holding space

The situation and people have all come together in a point in time as the result of a series of events. The past is over and unchangeable, the future unknowable. The now is all that matters. Be an oasis for other to gather in their own strength rather than attempting to direct the situation.

In situations such as these there’s a lot going on. Perhaps someone is going to pass over, in the next few weeks. Reminding a person to contact distant friends and loved ones is in the now. Asking them if they want catering after a memorial service is probably a later activity.

In times of mourning or grief, the person(s) left behind are often paralyzed with indecision. It’s too easy for strong personalities to enter in, with best intentions, and try to solve things. Taking away even simple decision making takes away their personal power and strength. It can scar or set them on a different path for a long time.

Your ability to witness, be present and mindful, while offering non-judgmental wisdom is all that needs to be done. Presenting experiences and outlining options or giving them a process is healthy. You will make them stronger and give them the power to make decisions that will often have long term effect.

In situations where the person is fully incapable for some reason, there may be a reason to acquire aid for them. This is not to be done without conscious consent of their life partners or family.

Talking is an often-used form of providing comfort. Remember how your words have intent and create the world around us. Our remarks, even with the best intentions, may be less than helpful. Often used remarks that could be phrased a different way:

1. “Life/The Universe never gives us more than we can handle”

• This evokes all types of questions and is a test of anyone’s faith.
• Suggest: “It’s ok to grieve at your own pace.”

2. “I know how you feel”

• No, you don’t. You are not that person and don’t know how they are processing recent events.
• Suggest: “We are here for you when you’re ready to talk”

3. “How are you?”

• In American society, we often use it in place of “Hello.” This often turns into a plea to them to make you feel better. You need to hear the answer that they are enduring, getting on with life, getting over it etc. it’s an unnecessary pressure them
• Suggest: “I understand this is difficult for you”

4. “What can I do for you?”

• Don’t add the responsibility of finding some way for you to be helpful.
• Volunteer practical things. “I’d like to drop off some meals.” “I can take the kids to after school activities for the next few weeks.” “We’d like to shovel the snow from your driveway.”

5. Saying nothing at all

Sometimes, it is enough to sit with a person and let them know you’re there. However, many people are uncomfortable with silences and therefore they seek to fill the void. Communicate, even in small ways. Try some of these other expressions of support lest you create a situation where they now must take responsibility to make you feel better. If you feel uncomfortable, excuse yourself from the situation.

Chaos, change and death are all part of the natural order. Build the oasis for them and let them come at their own pace.

Give them a place to be safe, sacred, weak and away from judgment. These are times when you can build a barrier where they can be alone with their thoughts and choices. Suggest simple things such as a walk, a bath or places where they can be secure makes them strong to be weak when and if they need it.

Think of it as putting pillows on a coach. Let other arrange as they see fit.

Last week, I had painful dental surgery and lost a tooth. It was the second time in year I needed surgery. The tech, who had been present at both, kept pacing and telling me how sorry she was and how terrible it was that this had to happen. It took me a minute but I realized she was doing it for herself and not for me.

Sometimes holding space for others means allowing yourself to accept their comfort when something bad happens to you. It's for them, not you.

Their choices are their choices. Don’t interfere with their power and make them second guess, particularly in stressful times. You may not have chosen an action or made the same selection. It’s not your choice to make. It’s ok for them to make mistakes. Honor that they may have different rituals than your own.

Be mindful and remember this is not about you. Remove any ego. If you cannot, excuse yourself from the situation.

How have you handled difficult situations?

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